Exchocist- by Hari Mohan Jha from Khattar Kaka-Translation by Chandrahas

THE EXORCIST That day Vikatakavi Uncle was seen grinding bhang. He saw the tantrik beside me and I said, “He’s Ozha. An evil spirit has entered Chowdari’s bungalow. Ozha has Uncle smiled and said, “He’s a big evil spirit himself. Can there be an end to the difficulties of those whom he possesses?” Ozha glared at uncle and said, “I’m a tantrik, an exorcist. I have attained control over the mantras after being in Kamakhya for twelve years. There’s nothing that I can’t Uncle said, “I will make a leech catch your nose. Can you with the power of your mantra drive away a leech? I will hold a paisa in my fist. I will agree that you have the power if you can make it disappear with your mantra and tantra, will you?” Sensing that the situation was not conducive, the tantrik slipped off quietly from I said, “The tantrik says the bride is possessed by a ghost.” Uncle sported a smile. “My son, old Chowdary unfortunately married again and has brought an elephant in must. Is it then a surprise that at night a ghost gets on top of I said, “Everything is a joke for you, uncle.” “If this is not something to laugh at, what else is? There is a saying that - ‘A weak fellow’s wife is the sister-in-law of the whole colony’. The ghost too must have desired to come here and become the brother-in-law, couldn’t it?” “Uncle, do you believe in the evil spirits?” Uncle said, “Why not? I believe in ‘bhutam’, ‘vartamanam’ and so on.” “I don’t mean that ‘bhutam’.” “The ghost that possesses human beings.” Uncle thought for a while and said, “Yes. I believe in that ghost too. Even now that ghost is perched sitting atop your head.” I said, “Uncle, you are sarcastic. But Padma Purana contains descriptions of the Mixing black pepper in bhang, Uncle said, “That evil spirit surely is perched on your head and is speaking. It must have sat on the heads of mighty scholars also. Whenever you question them, their reply is ‘It’s written like this and that’. They need to be told ‘O, great one. Let what’s written be what it is. Have you ever written that you are their servants? What happened to your sense? Have you pledged it somewhere? When people of other countries are inventing new machines, you say that you won’t swerve from the path of your grandfathers, why?” I said, “Once upon a time, there was science in our country also. There was Uncle was irritated. He said, “That ghost is still speaking. The ghost of the past. The elephant has gone. The place where elephants were tied also is gone. But we still are holding the goad and sitting just to say that once upon a time there was an elephant tied in front of our house also. My son, what’s the point in talking about the past? What’s needed is to see what is there now, shouldn’t we? The tamarind is not there but its taste still is lingering. People of other countries have marched forward a great deal. But we sleep on the cot boasting ‘once upon a time we were flying in the sky’. When people of other countries look to the future, we look backwards, at bhutkal. How can we push forward unless we discard this ghost?” “I know you don’t believe in ghosts and phantoms. But we witness so many possessed by the devil. How come?” Mixing a fistful of soamf in bhang, uncle said, “Arey, that’s the fear of the ghost. That’s all. On a dark night in a deserted place seeing a thief or an adulterer many start reciting Gayatri mantra or eulogy of Hanuman. Taking krishnabhisarika (a heroine who goes to a secret place wearing dark dress on a dark night to meet her paramour) for a ‘yakshini’, they are frightened to death. If anyone prattles because of mental instability, it’s assumed that a ghost is speaking. If anyone throws a stone or a brick in front of the house, it’s said that the ghost has caused trouble. On a dark night in a deserted place if a light is seen it’s an ogre; if it’s a snake it’s ghost snake. If it is not known how fire is kindled, it’s ‘bhahmagni’. It’s all due to blind belief. That’s all.” “Uncle, you have no interest in other worldly matters. But there are wizards who have control over the devil and get to know everything. They can cause death with a mantra. They can roll a dice and take control of a snake. They can turn a wheel and detect a thief. They can overpower a Betala and get articles they wish for. With the power of mantra, they can cause death, cast a spell or exorcise a devil.” Uncle who was grinding bhang with his head lowered raised his head and said, “Untrue. Totally untrue. If at least one of these was true, I would have publicised it beating a drum. The government would have employed the fellow who turned the wheel instead of CID police. The irrigation minister would have caused rains by reciting mantra and doing japa. Our external affairs minister would have appointed devils in place of the ambassadors. The defence minister would have cast a spell against the enemy. Crores of rupees spent on the army would have been saved. When the country is attacked the tantriks would have lined up against the enemy army. And when they said the mantra, ‘aam fat’, the enemy would have been reduced to ashes. When the plague spread, the health minister would have mrityunjaya mantra recited – ‘I worship Triyambak Siva who makes aroma and vigour to increase.’” I said, “Uncle, the tantrik is procuring many items to secure release of the ghost. Mustard seeds, dung of black cow, ash, hair of a black horse!” Rolling bhang into a ball, Uncle said, “This is absolute fraud. Tell me what is the cause and effect between the ghost and the hair of a black horse?” I said, “The world of mantra and tantra is clothed in secrecy. That’s why the tantrik rids the bride of the ghost at night when there is no one around.” Tapping the ground with his walking stick Uncle said, “I call this a crime. The education in the other countries is publicised by the drum beat whereas in our country it’s talked of in whispers. A thief can never tolerate light. Trickery is carried out in darkness. The science of foreign countries is dazzling brightly. The entire world went into raptures at the discovery of radio and television. If on the contrary a thing like radio was discovered by a scholar of our country, you wouldn’t know how he would have behaved. He would have said that the radio was broadcast straight from the Brahma Lok. He would have made a householder bathe with his cloths on, take him to the deserted burial ground on a no moon night, made him listen to something on the radio and made him believe that that was the voice of a dead man and would have squeezed him all his life. He would have made radio look like Chandika, cover it with a red cloth, sprinkle grains of rice (akshatalu) and red vermillion, recite inane mantras and would have hid it without revealing the truth to anyone. And just before dying, he would whisper the secret into his son’s ear and make him an expert in that.” I said, “Uncle, in your view, is mantra nothing but deceit?’ Continuing to grind bhang, Uncle said, “Son, mantra means advice. If a woman is unable to conceive I would advise her to go for uterus examination. That’s the correct mantra. Instead, if I say ‘Sun is sitting on the uterus door and until he does not get away from there you cannot conceive’ that would amount to fraud. Further if I say ‘To please the Sun god, arrange twelve Brahmins to recite “Om ghrinih suryaya namah” six thousand times a day after a feasting on halwa and puris” that will amount to a greater fraud. Add to this advice ‘The wheel of Sun’s chariot is stuck up a little bit and so to pull it up we need droppings of an owl, camel dung, bat’s droppings, the horse shoe, red gem, and twelve tolas gold’ then it will amount a much greater fraud. These wretched rascals only go about the world as miracle men. ‘Sri 108’ is added to their name at the beginning. If I had the authority I would have dragged them to court under section 420 for cheating.” “Uncle, all those who perform mantra- tantra are rascals, are they?” Uncle said, “Son, all of them are cheats and conmen. They live on deceit. You remember this sloka in my ‘Vikatakavi Purana’ – ‘Tantrik, mantrik, palmists, those who give the results of signs and those who make predictions are cheats and pakands.’” I said, “Then Uncle, are mantra-tantra a myth?” Mixing sugar in bhang, Uncle said, "In fact, tantra means chemistry. A mixture of two things results in creation of a new thing which has different qualities. It’s due to this science that the people of foreign countries have attained such heights in technology. We on the contrary are tricksters who create useless things and say that through mantra and tantra convert soil into sugar and stone into gold and such humbug. That’s all.” Uncle understood that I was surprised and so he said, "Here in the name of tantra, mantra, yoga, magic and sorcery the ocean of deceit is welling up. Look at the mantra- tantra ideas suggested in Agni Purana to vanquish the enemy- ‘Pound the enemy with your weapon. Pulverise.’ After reciting this mantra for 108 times, if the damaruk is sounded, the enemy army will go helter-skelter. The soldiers will run away dropping their weapons.’ “Listen to Chamundadevi mantra – ‘If this mantra is under your control, Chamundadevi with her trushul will slash, cut your enemies and beat with the cane. She will tie them up with a rope. She will drive a dagger. She will reduce the enemy to dust. She will eat up.’ Those with atom bombs will all be defeated. Now tell me. Will any country have a defence against such When he found me stupefied, Uncle said, "People will be shocked when they know the kind of tricks that our mantra tantra talk of. Sample this – ‘No weapon can touch the body if it is smeared with the paste of aapaamurga herb “An enemy becomes impotent with this trick of Dattatreya. Good riddance. Hear ‘On Saturday or Wednesday bury a chameleon where the enemy urinates. That’s all. The enemy turns impotent. Sankara himself revealed this secret.’ “If a woman has to be subjugated, recite this mantra – “That’s it. She will run and fall in your lap. Shabash. What else?” ‘On Pushya nakshatra day, give rudra jata root by placing it in the betel leaf. The moment she takes it, she becomes your slave.’ “My son, there is yet another trick. With that not only your lover but her father too will start pressing your legs. – ‘If white jilledu and ox gall is ground and mixed in own urine and applied on forehead as tilak, everyone who sees it will become his servant. “What no formula can achieve is accomplished with urine, isn’t it?” Uncle smiled and said, “My dear, don’t conduct any of these experiments. Be careful otherwise you will land in trouble. Leave these things to tantrik.” I said, "If he really has such powers, would he have been loafing like this? Alas! Uncle said, "Then tell him to apply tilak of donkey’s fat.” When he found me staring at him, Uncle said, "I’m not saying this for fun. It’s ‘If anyone applies tilak of a mixture of donkey’s fat, haratal and manhsila, he’ll become a king like the king of Lanka.’ “I wonder why they don’t patent the tricks that they have invented!” “Uncle, why are there such nonsensical things in the tantras?” “Tantras are full of such experiments in abhichara and adultery, one more ludicrous than the other, to dupe people and fulfil their selfish interests. ‘You can roam about unseen on a particular star, if you recite so-and-so mantra and by keeping a particular herb in the mouth.’ If this is true, our riffraff would have lived in trains without noticed by the T.C. Sweetmeat shops would have gone bankrupt. Everyday the tantriks would have had tasty food free of cost. They would have visited any in-laws’ house and would have had feast. When there is such a tantra who would care for prajatantra?” “I’m surprised to hear all this, Uncle.” Uncle said, “We have broken world record in our creativity and boasting. It’s just not the human beings but the cows of our country also knew mantra-tantras. Hear the super natural power of Kapila Cow – ‘From its mouth, three crores of people brandishing swords, from the nose five crores with spears, from the eyes one hundred crores sporting arrows and bows, from udder crores holding staves, from the hooves crores of instrumentalists, from anus crores “Now tell me. Has such a cow been born anywhere in the world so far? That’s why I say there is none to equal us. In our society, even dog is a vehicle of a god (Bhairava). Owl and donkey too are vehicles of goddesses (Lakshmi and Sitala Devi). Owl is of use in tantrik experiments. See what’s written in Dattatreya Mantra – ‘One can read a book in dark if collyrium made of owl’s skull, ghee and water is “It’s for owl-like people that such tricks are useful!” I said, "Uncle, the tantrik is preparing a machine for the bride.” Mixing bhang well, Uncle said, "Don’t call it a machine. Call it a conspiracy instead. With the help of this machine, one can fly in the sky; hills can be broken; ocean can be controlled; rain can be made and electricity can be created. All these machines have been invented by the people of other countries. In fact, it can be said that the machine known as Betala has been overpowered by them. Machine ploughs the land; pounds paddy; cooks food; weaves cloths; carries loads; turns the fan; plays songs and takes one for a trip in the sky. We import all the machines from abroad. What machine can we give in return for them? At best, our tantriks can pull out a hair, make talisman out of it and send it labelling it as ‘siddhi Vinayaka yantra’.” Finally I asked again, “That means, you have absolutely no faith in ghost Uncle said, "Son, when did we know about ghost mantra? The ones who really know about ghost mantra are the foreigners. They have taken control of the five elements known as the earth, water, fire, sky and air and out of them whatever they need. They are winning over water, earth and the sky. Look at us. We roam about searching for the hair of a black horse while hunting fake evil spirits! The country can be better off only after we make bhasmibhuth (ash) of foolishness bhuth (evil spirit) which is sitting atop us and riding us. Isn’t it because of that I worship Siva, who is Bhuthnath.” After saying this, Uncle raised his bhang glass and drank it as an offering to Siva. ***

SATYANARAYANA PUJA- from Khattar Kaka of Hari Mohan Jha

SATYANARAYANA PUJA Sipping lassi, Vikatakavi Uncle was in an ecstatic state. I went over to him and said, “Uncle, today there’s Satyanarayana Puja at “Really? I hope in the name of satyam, truth, puja of asatyam, untruth, is not going on, son,” Uncle asked. I plugged my ears and said, “Ramarama! Uncle, you shouldn’t be making fun of god like this.” “You’re the one who is ridiculing god,” Uncle said, smilingly. “How?” “Look at the puja method. How sixteen kinds of puja are being performed? “First the god is invited and offered a seat. ‘Please come here. Come and take your seat.’ Then water to wash the feet and face. Offer light refreshments. Water to bathe. New clothes. Offer flowers, garland, sandal, incense sticks, camphor and other aromatic things. Then, many kinds of naivedyam, offering of “Then the god is addressed like this - ‘Tuck in many kinds of sweets such as pindi vantalau, payasam cooked with sugar and pure ghee’. “The lucky ones who would tuck them in, of course, are different. Yet, ludicrously even betel leaf and areca nut are kept in front of the idol. ‘I am offering pan, spiced with camphor and cloves. Accept it with love and make my happiness grow.’ “At the end, they stand up, give arathi, lighted camphor worship, and clang the bell metal announcing people to disperse. ‘Now the puja is over. Now feel satisfied. Now you may go home. Forgive if a mistake has occurred.’ “Arey! What is this farce? And what are the objects of such worship? Worn down tiny little black stones of the size of gulabjam or blue berries!” “Narmadeswaram and Salagram are the symbols of Siva and Vishnu, Uncle said smiling, “Are! Narmadeswara means ‘...’ means ‘god of fun and frolic’. Thanks to puja of Salagram, in this big village, this entertainment has been arranged for so many people. Besides, there’s distribution of laddu of huge quantity. This farce is cheaper than a cinema. There’s no need to purchase a ticket. And at the end, they give prasad too. This is more solemn than the games children play because elders and even the old people participate in the puja. Further, it doesn’t occur to anyone that something funny is going on here. Girls play dressing up a doll as a bride. You play god making him a guest as though Salagram is your daughter’s father-in-law.” “What is that about, Uncle?” “Observe carefully. You do the same things in the puja that are done when the bridegroom arrives with his father. Offer a seat first. Then hand over water. Then follow bath, refreshments, garland of flowers, sandal, and food with the sweetmeats, pan, and cloths and at the end urging forgiveness for mistakes, if any. There’s just one difference. The Salagram is bathed with a little quantity of water. The food offered remains intact. In the name of cloth, even a cotton strand would do. In one hour, the bell is rung off bidding people goodbye. ‘Please go home.’ If the groom’s father is told ‘you may go now’ what would happen? It would be disastrous, wouldn’t it be? But god is not the groom’s father. Samdhee means ‘a person of equal intelligence’. If the god has the same intelligence as the householder, then god alone should protect us.” “But along with the puja, a story also is told, isn’t it?” I asked. “Yes, if the puja is a play, the story, a novel. The spectators are given a treat to the eye and the ear.” “Uncle, there must be some profound meaning in the story?” Uncles picked up Satyanarayana Vratha story and said, “Then listen to the gist of this story which the priest will recite tonight after blowing the conch. Once upon a time, in Naimisa forest, a conference was held for the benefit of the world, the purpose of which was to divine an easy route to remove the misery and pain of mankind with least expense and time and labour. “Suta, who presided over the conference said, ‘Once in Vaikunta, Narada too asked Vishnu the same question - “That means, ‘People on the earth are suffering a lot. Please tell an easy way to help them, Swamy’. “Then the most munificent god revealed this - “That means, people would be rid of all their sufferings if they perform Satyanarayan puja traditionally’. “That’s not all. The god also told the method of the puja and the account of prasad as well! “That means ‘Prepare Prasad with bananas, ghee, milk, sugar, wheat flour. If wheat flour is not available, rice flour will do. And if there’s no sugar, use jaggery.’ God is kind. So kind that he didn’t forget to tell the substitutes if wheat flour and sugar are not available. “After spending a life time, Bhagawan Buddha found ashtanga marga, the eight fold path, as a relief for the sufferings. That must be reckoned as a path strewn with difficulties compared to Satyanarayana Puja which solved the problem in a trice and showed mishtannna path which is so easy- ‘Everyone has to take prasad with love. There must be programmes of music and dance. Food must be served to the friends and relatives along with the ‘If it’s done like this, man would be rid of all troubles and would attain “There cannot be an easier method than this,” Uncle said. I said, “But...” Uncle said, “Four proofs have been given in reply this ‘but’- to silence the critics. These strengthen the belief in the mind of the devotees. And they would be inspired to perform the puja.” Uncle leafed through the pages of the story book and said, “The first story is about a poor Brahmin of Kasi. God is kindness personified. He saw the Brahmin begging and said,- “Satyananarayana, who is another form of Vishnu, would fulfil all desires. So you worship him. ‘Perform his vrata, which is par excellence.’ “That day itself, the Brahmin got lot of money. He performed the puja. When he found puja yielding profit, he began to perform puja every month. ‘He was rid of all sorrow, sins and possessed every single means of pleasure. Finally, he attained salvation too which was difficult even for the yogis Finding that I was looking at Uncle in disbelief, he resumed. “In Kasi, there’s no count of Brahmin beggars. Why then did the god bestow his kind benevolence on only that Brahmin? And what did he advise him? Not to revolt but to perform his puja. Let that pass. How come there are hordes of beggars there despite knowing very well the path to get rid of penury? Why can’t those miserable people have the sense to know that they should borrow if need be and collect ghee, sugar, and other ingredients for performing puja once? They would surely have mouthful of sugar, ghee everyday thereafter, wouldn’t they?” “Uncle, are these stories all of the same kind?” “Of course, they are. I call this propaganda. Listen to this. A woodcutter performed puja. Then the wood he sold fetched twice as much! “Later on because of the puja, he acquired wealth, son, heaven, et al. Likewise, Angadhwaja, a king also performed the puja. He also got everything. ‘Because of the power of the puja, he acquired wealth and a son. He enjoyed all the pleasures of this world and left for Satya Lok.’ “Hey! What’s all this but publicity? It’s as though a broker or an insurance agent is talking.” “They all sound like fairly tales meant for the kids, don’t they?” I said. “Indeed. There’s one story which is captivating though. That story to an extent reveals the nature of your Satyanarayana Swamy,” Uncle said. “Is it the story of Leelavathi-Kalavathi?” I asked. “Yes. You might have heard it.” I piped up. “I haven’t. In any case, it’ll be great fun to hear it from you.” “Then, listen to it. A merchant performed puja. Then, ‘...’ “His wife conceived. Due to Satyanarayana’s grace, a beautiful girl was born. She was named ‘Kalavathi’. The merchant vowed that he would again perform puja at her marriage time. But unfortunately, the poor fellow forgot about it. The god was angry and cursed him – “You play games with me, do you? You vowed to perform the puja and didn’t. Look at what I can do. Let untold sufferings be yours,” he cursed. “Listen to the next part of the story. The merchant went with his son-in-law over to another kingdom for business. There was a theft in the palace of that king, Chandraketu. As ordained by god, the thieves left the booty at where the merchant and his son-in-law were lodged. The soldiers recovered the booty and arrested the two. The king relieved them of all their money and sent them to the prison. They both sobbed and pleaded, but, ‘No one cared to hear them due to the maya of Satyanarayana.’” “Such a thing would cast aspersion on the character and nature of God, won’t it, Uncle?” “How does it matter if the god is besmirched so long as the bags of the disciples are filled with prasad? What else is needed? If the god is not depicted like this, would people be afraid of god? And if they are not scared, why would they offer puja ingredients? Don’t take Satyanarayana for an ordinary god. He’s no less than the police inspector. Cry or laugh, but you must pay up what is due to him. Otherwise, he’ll foist a case on you, commit you to the jail and inflict pain “How can there be affection for such a god?” “Hey, where there’s no fear, there can’t be affection. Ordinary people perform puja more out of fear than affection. If they are convinced that nothing will come or go because of Salagram, then they will take it straight to the Salagram River and throw it away. Things in the world don’t work on account of kindness and affection. That’s why Satyanarayana is converted into an embodiment of revenge.” “How did the merchant and his son-in-law come out of it all?” I asked. “That part is even more interesting. The mother and daughter who stayed at home came to know that their husbands were languishing in the prison. One night, Kalawathi returned home late. ‘Where were you until so late in night?’ asked the mother-in-law. Kalawathi replied that she was delayed by Satyanarayana puja. The moment she heard this, she remembered her vow. Without a moment’s delay, she performed the puja and prayed to god - ‘Forgive the crime of my husband and my son-in-law.’ “The god was satisfied and appeared in king Chandraketu’s dream and said ‘Return the money to the merchants and let them go. Else, I’ll destroy your kingdom, your wife and children and the rest.’ “Hey, how could he be a god? He could pass off for an evil Saniswara though. He would think nothing short of complete ruination of anyone who crossed his path. What would poor Chandraketu do? He paid the merchants two times their money and said, ‘O! Revered souls, now do me the favour of returning to your homes. Let me live in peace.’ “Uncle, what was the mistake of Chandraketu that god should be so angry “He must have suddenly remembered that Kalavati’s youth was withering away and that her husband must have been imprisoned by the evil king. It didn’t occur to him that all this happened due to his maya. Hey, son! How much time does it take the mighty and the chameleon to change colours?” Uncle smiled and continued. “There was this Ugradeva Sastry. One day he rushed to his wife to throttle her just because there was a slight delay in serving food to him. But when she came opposite him with hot, hot puris, he was immensely pleased and adorned her neck with a necklace. Next day, there was excess salt in pappu. He instantly snatched the necklace from her. To me, this god is no better than Ugradeva Sastry. ‘Display anger for one moment and joy, the next.’ In anger he got the merchant arrested and got him released being pleased with his wife Kalawati. Not like a god but like a dictatorial feudal lord.” Uncle took a little snuff and resumed. “The story has not ended yet. When the merchant got his cargo loaded on the ship and was returning, god appeared before him in the form of a mendicant and asked him, ‘What is there in the ship?’ The merchant grew suspicious. He didn’t know who he was. Why was he asking about the cargo? He wondered and wanted to get rid of him by saying something. ‘The cargo in the ship is loaded with hay and the like,’ he said. God waited for an opportunity like this, didn’t he? He added a sentence to what the merchant said. ‘...’ ‘May your words come true!’ Then what? The entire cargo turned into hay. The merchant was inconsolable. God watched all this, merrily as though saying, ‘This is my power. Scoundrel, you wanted to deceive me, didn’t you? Now enjoy the punishment.’ “Look at this. Why did he go there in disguise, concealing his true identity? What was this if not deception? And how the merchant not telling the truth to a stranger in self defence can be called deception! Is this what god should do? Is this god’s justice? All right. The merchant promised – ‘Be kind to me. From now on I’ll worship you to the fullest extent.’ “Then god was pleased and returned the goods to him. This god proved himself to a notch above the sales tax officer.” “So, anyhow he returned home safely, didn’t he?” I asked. “Not so soon! The story is not over yet! When Kalawathi received the news at home, she ran towards the river to meet her husband. In her haste, she forgot to take god’s prasad. “What else? God again turned a police inspector. ‘He was overcome with anger and drowned her husband, his wealth and the goods in the river. Kalawathi swooned and fell down. Her parents began to cry aloud. Then once again god heckled and said, ‘O! You have come running to meet your husband, leaving my prasad behind, to insult me, haven’t you? Now hear this. Until you go and eat prasad, your husband would stay drowned in the river like this.’ What choice did Kalawati have? She ran home, ate prasad, and returned after satisfying the god’s whim.” Uncle cut the nuts and said, “Tell me this. Why should god be so envious of a young woman who was stressed out and who went in haste to meet her long lost husband? Such competitive attitude is seen among the villains in cinemas. Why in god? Actually he should be happy that Kalawati worshipped her husband more than the god. But he turned a competitor. Finally Kalawathi went to Satya Lok where that god is stationed. I don’t know how she put up with him there. As for me, I’m terrified to hear the name Satyanarayana.” “Uncle, why are there four stories in Satyanarayana puja where one would have sufficed?” “It’s with a view to force people of all classes to perform the puja that a representative has been taken from each of the four varnas - Brahmin, Kshatriya, Vaisya, Sudra. A poor Brahmin became rich. A king got a son. A Vysya got a daughter. A woodcutter got plenty of profit. This is the gist of all these stories. Such things happen routinely day and night all around us, puja or no puja. When Lilawati conceives, what’s so special about that incident? What puja has this Abdul Miyan performed that he has a dozen children? And Chowdary’s wife hasn’t conceived even though she has got the story recited every month. Would monthly menstrual activity cease because of monthly puja? Poor Sharma! He has been blowing the conch all his life. He couldn’t even have a proper roof over his house. On the other hand, thanks to black marketing, Varala Setty has built a three- storied house. Why hasn’t your Satyanarayana seized all his money as “Do you mean that there is no satyam, truth, in Satyanarayana story?” “Think for a while. From start to the finish, Satyanarayana appears like one who is greedy, self-centred, and villainous. He has been depicted as worse than a human being. In fact, he has been reduced to the status of a monkey, which often threatens and flicks off the fruit and later returns it merrily. How could devotion and not disgust be generated about such a god?” I said, “But it has been said that the result of puja would be indeed great, Uncle replied, “True. ‘...’ (One who performs puja will acquire wealth. He’ll win everywhere.) What I ask is very simple. If both the contestants perform puja, who would win? The story says that the desire of the person who performs puja will be fulfilled. “Whether the desire of the householder who performs the puja will be fulfilled or not is not known but the priest’s desire will be certainly fulfilled forthwith. Because the scholar who wrote this story didn’t forget to write this- ‘After hearing this story till the end, everyone must make an offering to the “If the Brahmin is not given his due, even Brahma would turn against you.” “Do you mean to say that the story has been created only to fleece the householders of their money and get prasad?” “What else? ‘If you allow your ear to be pierced, you’ll get jaggery’ is how the children are enticed. Similarly, the householder is enticed. ‘Distribution of jaggery and banana mixed in milk will beget a son.’ The list is long. Then what? Innocent people will clamour to do this, much like the children falling for a fake watch sold for ten paise. How can anyone be saved from falling prey to fake things? Even if they are told the truth, would they care? Likewise, what can be said of people who fill a pot with milk and mix banana and jaggery in that and expect a son or a daughter or heaven in return? The country is known for herd mentality. That’s why in this country adulterers grow wealthy while the adherents of the truth live in utter poverty.” “Uncle, what is the solution?” Uncle said in a tone of finality, “If possible, worship the real Satyadeva. Wherever untruth, injustice, deceit, gambling, corruption, black marketing, conspiracy to defeat the truth exist, go there and blow the conch of truth. Awaken the people. Lead the society towards the truth. That’s the true satyavratha. That’s worship of satya. If that kind of worship begins, then heaven will descend on the earth. Then nothing would be unavailable. (When the truth is worshipped, there’s nothing in the world which cannot English version: by Chandrahas Originally Harimohan Jha has written in Maithili, translataed in Hindi. ***

Did Carl Sagan Flinch?-Kenneth Marshalak

Astronomer Carl Sagan was one of America's most famous and admired spokespersons for science and reason. An agnostic and skeptic, Sagan was a long-time supporter of the secular humanist move­ment. The hit movie Contact was made in cooperation with Sagan, and based on his book of that title. Remarkably for a block­buster movie, the hero in Contact, wonder­fully played by Jodie Foster (who is herself nonreligious), is an outspoken atheist. Indeed, the conflict between religion and science is one of the principal themes of Contact. There has been great debate among humanists about the merits of Contact the movie, and whether it does justice to non-theistic beliefs. Although the film was warmly welcomed by secular humanists, many felt that the demands of Hollywood populism must have diluted the original non religious message of Sagan, who tragi­cally died before completion of the film. However, a comparison of the film to the original book suggests otherwise. The book Contact's lead character, Ellie Arroway, is an astronomer interested in the search for extraterrestrial intelligence, just like her creator, author Carl Sagan. The plot calls for Arroway to discover a radio mes­sage from the star Vega containing instruc­tions for building a machine to go there. As she carries them out, she holds discussions delineating the different values of science and religion with the other leading charac­ter, preacher Palmer Joss. Converted by a near-death experience, Joss questions evolution because no one was around to see it happen. Arroway, who describes herself as a Christian agnostic, says that Joss may just as well deny that elec­trons exist because he has never seen one. He wonders whether she ever feels lost in her universe without God. She suspects that he is not worried about being lost but about not being central to the universe. Echoing Sagan, Arroway asserts that all of science elicits a sense of awe and provides the means to perceive the numinous direct­ly, e.g., by looking through a telescope. if sensing the numinous is at the heart of reli­gion, she asks, who is more religious—the true believer or the scientist? The story line becomes disappointing in the final quarter of the book, when the aliens make their appearance during Arroway's trip to Vega. One takes the form of her father, who died when she was nine years old: "It was as if her father had these many years ago died and gone to Heaven...." Oddly, she asks the extraterrestrial about the myths and religions of his world rather than its biology. The alien then reveals that a message is hid­den in the transcendental number, pi. From the perspective of those on Earth, the star machine never went anywhere. Like Joss, Arroway has had a profound experi­ence that she cannot prove. She begins searching for the message in pi as evidence that the trip occurred. Her new project is described as "experimental theology," which Arroway thinks accurately character­izes all science. She explains to Joss that if the message in pi is found, "Everyone could be a believer." In the final chapter, Ellie's mother dies, leaving behind a letter disclosing that Ellic’s stepfather, whom she always resented, is her real father. The:only apparent pur­pose of this plot device is to show that sci­entists are capable of holding beliefs That later proved to be myths. On the book's final page, the computer finds that alternating digits, deep in pi, form a perfect circle: "The universe was made on purpose, the circle said.... In the fabric of space and in the nature of matter, as in a great work of art, there is, written small, the artist's signature ... there is an intelligence that antedates the universe." Arroway, the anguished agnostic, gets the unambiguous message she sought from God. The book's ending is a terrible blow to anyone not secretly hoping that God exists. Hollywood's Treatment The movie version of Contact has much to recommend it as an entertaining story and a refreshing discussion of ideas. Arroway is transformed into a professed atheist, and the book's major flaw, the Designer in pi, is eliminated. Still, the screenplay contains many unexpected messages troubling to humanists. In the movie, movie version of Contact has much to recommend it as an entertaining story and a refreshing discussion of ideas. Arroway's parents die in her childhood. No information is provided on who raises her. As a child, Ellie wonders if it is possible to contact her dead mother with her ham radio. Her father replies that not even the biggest radio could reach that far. No information is provided on who raised Ellie after her father dies. Some may infer that the orphaned Ellie drifted aimless­ly into atheism absent a normal family envi­ronment. When Palmer Joss first approaches Arroway at a restaurant, she brushes him off. When they next meet, she appears intrigued that he is an ex-seminarian and hops into bed with him. Joss's faith is justi­fied by personal experience—upon looking up at the sky one night, he suddenly sensed God's presence and no longer felt scared or alone. She goes off to discover the Vegan message, and Joss becomes the religious advisor of the president of the United States. They meet again years later. When Joss charges that scientists have failed to provide meaning to humanity, Arroway counters that scientists did not kill God but maybe only revealed that he never existed. Insisting on proof herself, she is stymied when Joss requests that she prove she loved her father. At the selection hearing for the Vegan voyage, Joss demolishes his ex-lover's chances by asking her if she believes in God. Like Sagan, Arroway avoids a direct response but finally replies that as a scien­tist she relies on empirical data, stating there is no evidence either way. Joss later confesses that he asked the question because he selfishly wanted her to remain on Earth. The film's other religious figure is even more despicable—a fanatic who blows up the machine. Ellie takes a second machine to Vega, where she meets her beloved dead father. Although it is clearly stated that he is an alien manifestation, these lines will be easi­ly ignored by believers in an afterlife. Again, from Earth's perspective, there was no trip. Arroway concedes that she may have hallucinated and that skepticism is jus­tified; however, she personally believes her experience was real. She received a won­derful message from the aliens: "We are insignificant, yet precious" (a common Sagan theme) and "We are not alone" (the same message Joss received when he looked at the sky). Arroway has had an experience she can­not prove, which is portrayed to validate Joss's religious experience. Apparently, sci­entists, too, must make leaps of faith. As they depart together, Joss states that as a person of faith he is bound by a different covenant than she but that their goal is the same, i.e., the pursuit of truth. Their holding hands seems to symbolize the marriage of science and religion, implying there is no conflict between the two. Finally, the film advances a conspiracy worthy of the "X-­Files"—government officials have a confi­dential report disclosing that Ellie's video unit recorded 18 hours of static during her voyage. Sagan's Message Sagan's views on science and religion are well presented in his nonfiction works. His one work of fiction greatly muddles his message. This final work bearing Sagan's name, coupled with the decision to hold his memorial service at St. John the Divine Cathedral in New York City, will serve as evidence to many that Sagan made a deathbed conversion. For the record, Ann Druyan discloses in Billions and Billions that "Contrary to the fantasies of the fundamentalists, there was no deathbed conversion, no last minute refuge taken in a comforting vision of a heaven or an afterlife. For Carl, what mat­tered most was what was true, not merely what would make us feel better.... Carl was unflinching." Unfortunately, Contact clearly gives the impression that he flinched. Kenneth Marsalek former President of Washington Area Secular Humanists and a member of the board of the Council for Secular Humanism.. Contact, by Carl Sagan (New York: Simon & Schuster, 1985, ISBN: 0-671-43400-4) 434 pp., S6.99 paper. Contact, starring Jody Foster, directed by Robert Zemeckis, (Warner Bros.) 2 hours 40 minutes. Now available on video.

Super Natural Selection-Kenneth Marshalak

Super Natural Selection Kenneth Marshalak Kenneth left with Innaiah right Stephen Jay Gould makes the extraordinary claim in March's Natural History Magazine that there is no conflict between science and religion. According to Gould, science and religion occupy distinct domains or magisteria. Science covers the empirical universe; religion deals with questions of moral and spiritual meaning and the search for ethical values. Eliminating the empirical universe from reli­gion's domain represents a relatively recent rede­finition of religion. Historically, religion and phi­losophy have speculated on questions concerning the origin of Earth, the universe, and humankind, and the nature of matter, space and time. These questions have now been successfully answered by science. Each advance in scientific knowledge has been followed by a retreat on the part of reli­gion, requiring us to continually redraw the line between their respective domains. Gould himself steps outside of his domain, and at time sounds more like a theologian than a sci­entist. Upon assuring Jesuit scientists that scien­tific creationism posed no threat to evolution, he proceeded to assure them that evolution is "entirely consistent with religious belief." He goes on to say that, "creationism does not pit science against religion ... for no such conflict exists." Is he saying that fundamentalist religions are not really religions? Pope John Paul embraces evolution with the caveat that, at some point in the process, humans are infused with a divine soul. While I join Gould in welcoming papal support for evolution, Gould too easily ignores the fact that the pope is not embracing natural selection, but rather some kind of supernatural selection. While personally reject­ing the idea of a soul, Gould states that science cannot prove or disprove the notion of a soul, and cannot even "touch such a subject." He further states that, "... any theological position on such a legitimately and intrinsically religious issue" cannot "threaten or impact" his domain of science. Can Gould be serious? The soul is just another term for mind/body dualism, which serves as the basis for numerous paranormal beliefs. Science is demonstrating that there is no consciousness or mind independent of the brain; furthermore, sci­ence can certainly touch on the paranormal, which surely impacts on Gould's domain. Does Gould mean that science cannot address the existence of ghosts, angels, or demons? Science can offer a position about whether there is a spiritual realm. Carl Sagan essentially discounts it in The Demon-Haunted World, In 1984, Gould attended the Pontifical Academy of Sciences conference and was impressed that the Catholic Church values scien­tific study. Interestingly, Stephen Hawking, attending an earlier conference, apparently was not so impressed with the pope's concluding remarks: "He told us that it was all right to study the evolution of the universe after the big bang, but we should not inquire into the big bang itself because that was the moment of Creation and therefore the work of God. I was glad that he did not know the subject of the talk I had just given at the conference: the possibility that space-time was finite but had no boundary, which means that it had no beginning, no moment of Creation" (A Brief History of Time)." Gould accepts that nature is indifferent to humanity and that this view liberates us "to con­duct moral discourse." However, he also states that, "If religion can no longer dictate the nature of factual conclusions properly under the magis­terium of science, then scientists cannot claim higher insight into moral truth from any superior knowledge of the world's empirical constitution." This is nonsense. Scientific knowledge can be basic to the making of some moral judgments. For Gould., the concept of distinct magisteria represents a principled position on moral and intellectual grounds, permits respectful dis­course, and is not merely a diplomatic stance. Gould points out that Sagan shared his concern for fruitful cooperation between science and reli­gion. I certainly endorse Sagan's view, e.g., that we do not have to agree on when and why the Earth was created in order to work to save it. On the other hand, Sagan recognized, as stated in Demons, that religions are the "nurseries of pseu­doscience." Oddly, he, too, later makes the incom­patible statement that "there is no necessary con­flict between science and religion." The conflict is exactly what his book is about. My reading of Sagan is that his was a diplomatic stance. Sagan was primarily interested in promot­ing a basic level of scientific Literacy. He realized that people could attain this and still believe in God. He further realized that insisting on believ­ers going "cold turkey," i.e., giving up God too, would decrease the likelihood of accomplishing his basic goal. Sagan's approach was based on the pragmatic assumption that it is more fruitful in the long run to wean people gradually of their superstitions. However, there is also an element of dishonesty in this approach. I attended Sagan's Pale Blue Dot lec­ture at the Smithsonian in which he tried to con­vey that humanity is not the centerpiece of cre­ation. Afterwards, he got the inevitable question, "Where does God fit into all of this?" It was irritat­ing to watch Sagan hem and haw, and evade the question by asking, "What do you mean by God?" He simply was not being up-front and honest about his views. Sagan was most direct in his criticism of reli­gion in Demons. Interestingly, James Randi reports that an earlier draft was far less forceful than the final book. Perhaps Sagan realized that this was his last chance to make his case. I noticed a similar trend with Isaac Asimov, who became far more direct in his religious criticism as he real­ized his end was near. If I were a cynic I might suggest that such dis­cretion is motivated by a desire to keep book royalties flowing. Or, it could be based on a sincere desire to avoid alienating one's audience to the point of losing them altogether, and then accom­plishing nothing. Still, my preference is for more intellectual humanists to come out of the closet. It just might make humanism more intellectually respectable. Contributing editor Kenneth Marsalek is former president of Washington Area Secular Humanists and a mem­ber of the board of directors of the Council for Secular Humanism. The Vatican has established full diplomatic relations with Libya.

Waves of VEDAS- by late prof Harimohan jha

VAIDIKA TARANGAM WAVES OF THE VEDAS It was Holi festival that day. Uncle had two rounds of bhang and was getting ready for the third. He saw me and said, “Come on, son. Come. Now saffron bhang is getting ready. You also have some.” “No, Uncle. I don’t take bhang.” Uncle was quite tipsy. He swayed and said, “Arey! What makes you give “How does consuming bhang qualify as Vedic tradition, Uncle?” “Read the Veda. Then you would know how our ancestors drank. There’s no count of the hymns of eulogy on somsras in the Vedas. At some places, it quite simply dominates everything else.” “What is the evidence to show that bhang then was known as somras?” “Not one or two but many evidences. Look, it was pounded in kalvam. It was ground on a stone. It was filtered with cloth. It was mixed with water or milk. Many spices were mixed with it. It was made in three colours, green, white and yellow. That means regular bhang, milk bhang and saffron bhang.” “But some say that somaras means knowledge or the rays of the moon. Is “Whoever says that, their mind must have been filled with bhang. For some, aswam in Veda hymns means the grain of rice; gow means rice and ghrutaysa dhara means the voice of knowledge. But I think logically. If somras was knowledge, how was it pounded with the pestle? If it were the rays of the moon, how was it ground on stone?” “Is there no doubt that somam is bhang, Uncle?” “Not in the least. In Rigveda, in many chapters, there is a continuous description of this. At one place, there is the description of filtration and at another, mixing. The sages and gods derived immense pleasure in drinking this. Indra, the king of gods, used to consume so much that he would get tipsy. You know how he drank? His beard and moustache would be drenched in the drink. He would shake off the juice flowing down the beard. ‘Drink and drink until falling on the ground...’” “If somras was bhang, how could the rishis preach such solemn things?” “Arey! Only when they were filled with it could they think of solemn things? That’s how those visionaries could express an opinion on the most secret matters. The man’s adi granth (the first book) contains a lot on adi ras (sex). There’s nothing comparable to the Vedic description of the coitus in the world “What? Coitus in the Vedas!” I said. “Arey! It’s none too subtle. In the stream of somaras, sringara (romance) ras swelled up in thousand streams. That’s why I say the students and the bachelors should not study the Vedas.” “Uncle! I am astounded by what you say. How could there be discussion of sexual intercourse in the Vedas?” I said. Pounding bhang in kalvam, Uncle smilingly said, “Then listen to this. ‘The somalatha leaves were being pounded like this. The pestle was pounding.’ The ruchakar uses simile now – “Uncle! What does it mean?” “It says when a woman has parted her thighs and opens the mouth of her vagina, then...You’re my brother’s son. How can I explain it to you more “Uncle, after hearing your words, there is no need for me to say anything Uncle tied a cloth around the mouth of the cruse and placed on top the ball of bhang. Then to filter it, he poured water over it and began to move the fingers in that. Then he smiled and said, “A sage in Gayatri hymn says about moving the “What’s the meaning of this, Uncle?” “It says the lass who is amorous is signalling her paramour with her fingers “Was there adultery in the Vedic times too?” “Not only had it existed but the sages derived great pleasure out of it.” Uncle began to pour bhang in the kalash and he said smilingly, “Look! A sage who was excited watching ras being poured into kalash like this said – ‘The sprayer filled with the fluid spurts and sprays into the pitcher, into the “They were all rishis, persons who did penance. How could they think of employing such similes?” I asked. “The simile gave so much pleasure to the rishis that they used it on many occasions. Hear this mantra- ‘That means, the way this juice flows is like the paramour’s ... flows into “My god! Description of the paramour in the Veda?” I said. “Arey! The importance attached to the paramour can be gauzed from this in “That means, O! Somadeva, like a woman who accepts her paramour, I “There is mention of the paramour in the Veda one thousand times. I guess those days, paramours were assigned greater importance than the husbands.” “These slokas are proof that the women in the Vedic times had great deal of “Is there any doubt about that? The Vedic women were quite independent. At one place, a young girl would invite her paramour and at another a married woman would worship her paramour. How would the paramour make love his lover? What was the kind of satisfaction derived by the young woman in the company of a young paramour? There are descriptions of this kind too in the “If that were so, there must have been illegitimate children also in the “Not one or two but many. Vasishta was born out of Oorvasis’s womb. Dirghathama’s pregnant mother had intercourse with Brihaspathi and gave birth to a child of mixed caste. Purukutsu’s wife begot Trasadasyu thanks to Saparshi. How many women had delivered secretly? What all do you want me to tell? If I recount all the occasions of adultery, it would be the fifth Veda. That’s why I don’t keep the commentaries on the Vedas at home lest women would go astray. That’s probably also the reason why women are not allowed to study the Vedas. ‘Women and the Sudras shall not study the Vedas.’” “Uncle, whatever you said amazes me,” I said. “I have been under the impression that the drum beats of bachelorhood rent the air those days.” Uncle smiled and said, “Now you know what kinds of drums were played on, don’t you? Just see how the rishis lost their consciousness, being drunk and tipsy on account of Somaras- “How is it possible to say anything so sleazy? Uncle, what’s the exact “It means –‘the organ desires to enter ... covered with hair. O! Somadeva! You begin to ooze.’ Tell me this. Who but a drunkard would speak like this?” I was distressed. “I always thought that the rishi and rishinis were tatwadarsulu, philosophers,” I said. Uncle sipped saffron bhang and said, “Even the prostitutes would be abashed when they hear the mantras that rishinis wrote. Listen to what Ghosha, a ‘I invite you to this yagna with the same warmth as a widow would invite her brother-in-law into her bedroom.’” “My goodness! Such shameless words from an unmarried girl?” I said. “You’re petrified with this! See how Angira rishi’s daughter Saswathadevi turned ecstatic looking at the organ of a young man. ‘Seeing the strong, long one dangling between the two thighs, Saswathi said, “Aha! You have such a beautiful one which is an open invitation for I was dumb struck. “This is the limit, Uncle. Unless one is fully drunk and senseless, such words would not escape the lips.” “Arey! They were all drunkards, weren’t they? That’s why even the prostitutes were not their equals in lewd talk. Look at what Surya spinster said - “I don’t understand this,” I said. “Well, ‘uruu’ means both thighs; ‘visram’ means open; ‘sefe’ means the organ; ‘praharama’ means to hit. Put them together and try to understand. If you don’t still follow, ask any Vedic pundit.” “I didn’t know that the Vedas contained such obscenity, Uncle,” I said. “To know about what obscenity means I suggest you read the tenth mandala of Rigveda where Indra and Indrani indulge in sexual intercourse ecstatically. Indrani slaps her thighs and says- “That means, ‘Pound me like a horned bull bellows and mounts.’ Kashmira kokkokasastra is no match to the description of intercourse thereafter.” I interjected and said, “Uncle” but I found him unstoppable. He was excited and said, “Your head will reel if you read the description of Lomasa’s sexual frenzy who in her youthful lust went berserk. She removed all her embellishments “That means, ‘You come close to me and hold me tightly. Look at how like the hair of a ram, how big...big...!’ “Can there be anything more vulgar than this that can be uttered by a woman? Then, the Uddama sex game that goes on is something which I cannot tell you and which for you is not worth hearing. He was so full of Lomasa that he choked and gave her a certificate of Rathimallatha (top notch wrestler in sex)- “That means, his body is covered by the body of this young woman completely and she is engaged in the act of sexual intercourse ecstatically. ” I couldn’t believe it. “Uncle, I suppose you are not telling this under the influence of bhang, are you?” “I’m not drunk. Those who vividly describe sex between the siblings, between father and daughter were intoxicated. You will be shocked to hear about Brahma’s intercourse with his daughter. ‘...’ (Father impregnated his daughter.) I can’t utter the kind of obscene words that are there in it even when I am under the “Uncle, what then is the difference between the Vedas and Vama marga?” “In so far as I’m concerned, I think the Vedas are the source of Vama marga. From where else would have the followers of Vama marga got it? Look at what is written in ‘Kali tantra’- ‘Liquor, meat, fish, vigina and sex have been the five instruments of liberation all though the ages.’ “Jnana Sakala Tantra says this – ‘Whoever gets relieved of worldly shame or the ties of the society would become Sadasiva or Jeevanmukt.’ “Liquor is assigned the same importance in Vama marga as Somaras in the Vedas. In Matrika Tantra, it is said – “That means, O! Goddess! Without drinking liquor, spiritual knowledge cannot accrue. That’s why Brahmins must drink liquor. “Kamakhya Tantra even goes further – ‘Whoever doesn’t drink liquor after taking diksha of Kalika or Tharini, the water that he offers is equal to the dog’s urine.’ “Of the five means of liberation, the greatest importance has been given to sex. ‘Kulavarna Tantra’ says this – ‘O! Goddess, the fifth one is as dear to me as my life. Chandi mantra shall not be recited in any case without having sexual intercourse.' “Then, consider how distinctive is the method of japa as described “That means, ‘those who follow the caste practices, and who worship caste have to get fixed in a sexual pose and do japa in that pose only’. This they called as Kulachara or Kulapuja. ‘Sarasarvaswa’ contains this – “That means, whoever does japa one thousand times gazing at a naked woman, he will become experts in all the fields. He will have known all Vedas. “Further, Kulasarwaswa says this- “That means, ‘Whoever does japa ten thousand times gazing at the menstruating vagina, his speech of word and verse would have the desired “Uncle, followers of Vama marga also practised caste and religion, didn’t ‘...’ (Whoever gets to Bhairavai Kshetra (where puja is performed in panchamkara) they all will become chaste Brahmins and the women assembled there would be reckoned as women of virtue (kula stree).) “In Utpatthi mantra, it is said – “That means, ‘O! Parameswari, the woman of the caste has to be fucked unmattamga. Particularly, a young woman who is kamonmatturalu, vilasavathi. “Gupta Sadhana Tantra mentions- “That means, ‘a gypsy woman, kapalika, a prostitute, a washerwoman, a barber woman, a Brahmin woman, a Sudra woman, a cowherd woman, a gardener woman – women of all these castes are fit for the secret practices.’ “In Rudrayamala Tantra, it is said- “That means, Chandalini is equal to Kasi, Charmakarini to Prayaga, Kanjari woman to Ayodhya, a washerwoman to Mathura.’ Intercourse with these women would earn the same merit as pilgrimage to these places. “Yoga is explained like this in ‘Gnanarnava Tantra’- ‘That means, O! Parvathy! Yog is union of the Nature (woman) and man (semen). There’s no doubt about it.’ “Puja secret is told like this- “That means, the orgasmic sound ‘sii, sii’ is the mantra. The words uttered at that time are the true mantras and slokas. Massage is tarpana. Flow of semen is “Kularnava Tantra says this- “That means, O!Parvathy! Siva ought not to be worshipped without liquor and meat. O, nitambini, I (Shiva) shall not be satisfied without bhaga lingamruta “This seems to have no limits, Uncle. Even Charvaka hadn’t gone this far.” “Arey, they were grandfathers of Charvaka. Agastya told Lopamudra that a human being has to indulge sexual intercourse happily all his life. (Rigveda 1/179/ 2). Charvaka too said the same but he has been labelled as an atheist. Agastya was a sage. Arey, whatever I say intoxicated that I am of bhang are dismissed as funny but whatever they said consuming samaras have become the Vedas. Son, say this. Have my words crossed all limits? Tell me.” “Uncle, on the festival of Holi, everything is all right.” “True. Obscene words uttered on Holi day are exempt from blame. Do you know the reason for this? ‘Dharmasindhu’ says this- ‘The wicked ogre Holika will get satiated only when you go around it uttering extremely obscene words such as bhagam, vagina, penis and the like.’ “In ‘Shyama-Chandrika’ it is said – ‘The organ is the bliss. Vagina is the ultimate thing. Praising the penis is most desirable. Praising the vagina is most pleasurable.’ “That probably is the source of the tradition of abusing on the day of Holi. I guess it’s on the day of Holi that some made this sloka and sang it- “In Kali Yug, everyone becomes a philosopher much like everybody turns a child during the festival of Holi.” “Some commentators ascribe spiritual meanings to the obscene words, “Just listen to this mantra – “That means –‘Your organ must grow so big that it should be like a strong horse’s or donkey’s...!’ So, here the donkey too is spiritual, isn’t not? Arey, the words they said in the name of gardabhesti (a yagna performed as a penance for committing the sin of breaking the vow of celibacy) and aswamedham (horse sacrifice) are so crude that even Charvaka called them fakes, deceivers and ogres- “Those Veda writers who said the wife of the person who performs horse sacrifice has to receive the horse’s organ are fakes, deceivers and ogres.” Just then our aunt arrived there with kheer. Uncle was joyous. He said, “Take it. It is Holika’s Prasad. The sweets are the lifeline of our Vedic culture, aren’t they? Since the Vedic times, we have been lavishing praise on sweetmeats. Just hear this- ‘Let all the produce of the Nature be filled with honey. Let water also be sweet. The sky too must be filled with sweets.’ “They wanted the entire world to be immersed in sweet- ‘Let the wind be sweet. Let the rivers be sweet. The trees, the nights and the mornings be sweet! The dust on the earth be sweet! The sky which is like our father be sweet! Let the Sun be sweet! Let our cows be sweet.’ “Arey, in which other country would you find such interest in the sweets? Here even after death too, the ancestors are satiated saying ‘om, madhu, madhu, madhu’. Aha ha! Now let us follow the adage that we should conclude everything Seeing me accepting Prasad, Uncle began to recite Vedic hymns tunefully- ‘Let honey be at the tip of my tongue. Let honey be at the base of my tongue. Let the words that escape my mouth be sweet. Let the food that enters my mouth be sweet. Let all my activities be full of sweet. Let me be as sweet-natured Uncle said, “You know its meaning, don’t you? Let there be sweet all though the life on the tongue; eating sweets, let us talk sweetly; get sweets and distribute sweets. Let all that we see be sweet. This, my son, is the sweetest of all While saying this, Uncle’s eyes began to close in drowsiness. Aunt saw that and said, “Leave him to me now, son. I’ll take care,” and she led Vikatakavi Uncle inside. English version by Chandrahas, Hyderabad ***

Role Models from Khattar Kaka by prof Hari Mohan Jha

Original : Hari Mohan Jha. title: Khattar Kaka. ROLE MODELS Uncle saw the book in my hand and said, “You seem to go somewhere with a fat I said, “It’s Adarsa Charitavali.” Uncle smiled and said, “If anyone follows these days the ideal persons mentioned in that book, he’ll surely end up in a lunatic asylum.” “Why do you say so, Uncle? Look at Harischandra, the king who was truthful, and munificent. It’s said that ‘Harischandra would not forsake the truth even if the sun, or the moon or the world changed the course’. Wasn’t he great?” Uncle said with a smile, “O! What a truth! What a truth? If you donated your land to me in your dream, would I prepare the gift deeds by the morning or what? If I donated a young girl in my dream to someone, would I take him as my “The story demonstrates the virtue of being truthful,” I said. “Exactly! That’s the starting point of foolishness! In the dreams, people have a vision of many senseless and meaningless things. If one believes them to be true and follows up, what would be the result? But this oddity is a part of our people. We attach greater importance to the dreams than the reality. It’s on this foundation that the building of Vedanta rests. For us, the whole universe is like a dream. Everything is a mirage. Furthermore, we take the state of deathly silence to be a greater ideal than the state of being awake. While the kettledrum of awakening rolls on in the other countries, we take refuge in this mantra- ‘Salutation to the goddess, who is awake in all the living creatures which are in stupor! Salutations! Salutations!’” “But Uncle, right from the ancient times, we have had this philosophical Uncle was sarcastic. “True. That’s why we treat the day as night and the ‘When it’s night for everyone, it’s the waking time for the inspired soul. When all the creatures are wide awake, then it’s night for the enlightened sage.’ “When the world is asleep, we would be awake and when everyone is asleep we would be awake. I don’t know which bird is our inspiration!” “Uncle, your sarcasm is scathing even though apparently you said it “I’m not misstating anything. Even the birds of this country are philosophers. Parrot, Jatayu, Garutmanatha, crow are our preceptors. And, about the owl, less said the better. If there was no specialty in the owl, why is the special appearance of the owl titled ‘Oulokya darshan’?” “Supremely knowledgeable enlightened preceptors and seers like Janaka also were born in this country, weren’t they?” I asked. “Arey! Such enlightenment only has finished us off, hasn’t it? The philosophy of Janaka, the king of Mithila, was this – ‘I lose nothing even if Mithila is burnt and reduced to ashes.’ “If all the countrymen follow this ideal, what would be the fate of this “Uncle, their ideal was to be detached like a lotus leaf on water.” “The simile is good. No doubt about that. But try to be like that just for one day. Be detached and I will go and promptly take possession of your house and all “Uncle, Janaka was beyond all bodily attachments. For him, the breasts of a beautiful woman too were like a clod of the earth.” Uncle smiled and said, “If that were so, there was an indescribable joy in being detached of bodily pleasures. Tell me this. If he was so much detached, Ravana and Rama should have been alike for him, shouldn’t they? Then, where was the need for all that ruckus of bow yagna? And, if perchance Ravana had “Leave it alone, Uncle. Take the case of Yagnavalkya. He was such an enlightened person, wasn’t he?” “Yes, so enlightened that he needed two wives. Maitreyi for the soul and Katyayani for the body,” said uncle, giggling. “But his scholarly debate with Gargi was of a high order, wasn’t it?” “It was absolutely a debate at the level of children. When Gargi asked him one question after another rendering him clueless, he angrily said, ‘If you continue with such questions, your head will be severed and fall to the ground.’” “But he renounced everything, didn’t he?” “So great at sacrificing that he got all the cows herded home before the ritual was complete, being worried that someone else might drive them away.” “The Brahmins here are so ascetic?” “Yes, so ascetic that anger is always perched on their nose. Bhigu kicked Vishnu with his foot. Parasurama chopped his mother’s head with an axe!” “What of Maharshi Vasishata and Viswamitra?” “Both have connection with prostitutes. One came out of Oorvasi’s womb, the other impregnated Menaka. The apsarasa, the celestial beauties, knew the secrets of the sages very well.” “Devarshi Narada was such great devout...” “Yes. That’s why Mohini stoked the flames of lust in him and made him prance around her like a monkey. Actually, the beautiful women made the sages run around them. With one sidelong glance, in the matter of just a moment, they could reduce their penance to nothing.” “Prahlada and Vibhishana were such men of piety.” “One got his father killed; the other, his brother. Pray save the country from “Bhishma was such an epitome of ethics.” “That’s why in the full royal court, when Draupadi was being disrobed, he “Drona was such a great man...” “That’s why selfishly he got the thumb of his disciple Ekalavya chopped off. A student of today would have twirled the thumb from a distance at him and “Aruni was so devoted to his guru.” “Yes, when he was sent by his guru to go and fill the breach in the field, he lay supine in the breach. He demonstrated unadulterated stupidity. Students like him would light up dry leaves and carry on with their studies when the oil in the lamp has been exhausted. “ I was distressed. “So, Uncle, is there no merit at all in these stories?” “Why not? Those days the gurus were smart and the disciples, dimwits. The disciples were sent to graze the cows. They were made to collect firewood. Every story has a message. Someone would have stolen a mango. In order to make him feel abashed, the story of Sankhalikhita is told who was cursed a great deal for committing a small mistake. A king might take back a cow gifted earlier to a Brahmin. To pre-empt this, the story of Emperor Nriga has been created. Nriga had gifted thousands of cows. That bounty did not count. But a cow which he had been gifted away strayed and returned to the herd. For that reason, he had to endure the life of a chameleon for thousands of years. If the descendants of Nriga were sensible, they would not utter donation of a cow even by mistake.” “Who can argue with you, uncle? But look at the great kings who ruled this land. It’s after king Bharatha that this country is known. His father, Dushyantha, was a jewel of the race, wasn’t he?” “Sakuntala, who was brought up by a sage, lost her virginity because of Dushyantha. Afterwards, he refused even to recognise her. You call such debauch and coward a jewel? It’s more apt to call him a curse of the race. In fact, that is the meaning of the word ‘dushyantha’. Arey! They were so lustful, craving for sexual pleasure, vying with each other. King Yayathi was old and his organs were worthless. Yet, his carnal desires were not satiated and so he borrowed his son’s youth and enjoyed himself. The like of such unbridled lust is not known in the history of any other country.” “Uncle, why don’t you see the positive side? This country gave birth to Sibi and Dadheechi who were renowned for their generosity.” “I agree. Sibi cut his flesh and gave it away and Dadheechi, his spine. So, tomorrow if you cut your nose and give it away, should I look up to you as a role “If you are so derisive, what can I say, uncle? But Look at Aswatthama, Bali, Vyasa, Hanuman, Vibhishana, Kripacharya and Parasurama are said to be Uncle smiled and said, “Do you know the true meaning of this sloka? A Brahmin in penury, a foolish king, a scholar who flatters, a devout who is purblind, an ingrate brother, an arrogant teacher and an irascible Brahmin – these seven persons always exist on this land. Take it that this is the misfortune of our “We have many ideal persons, one greater than the other. Yet, you’d like none of them. Look, many virtuous women such as Savitri were born in this “None of these women listened to their fathers. They married as per their wish opposing their parents. You call them ideals, do you? If my daughter too does the same, how would I feel? That’s why I wouldn’t allow my daughters to read the story of Sati Savitri. This ‘Charitavali’ shall not get into my home.” I was hurt. “It’s due to these ideals that our country is known as a pious land, isn’t it? Unparalleled ideals have been established here.” “True. We have no parallels. Moradhwaja’s mania for honouring the guest was so overwhelming that he sawed his son, cooked his meat and served the guest! Was this idealism or madness? For some, it was a mania for donations and for some others it was truthfulness. A woman by name Sumathi was so crazy of her wifely duty that she carried her leper husband on her head and took him to the prostitute’s house to satisfy his lust. Do we take her as our ideal? I say, she and her “Kings and Brahmins in our country followed high principles, didn’t they?’ “Hey, son! The king had strength but no brain. The Brahmin had brain but no strength. For each word if one picked up a weapon, the other took out a scripture. If the bow of one was strung, curse was forever ready on the tongue of the other. If the Brahmins were angry, they cited the scriptures. If the kings went crazy, they would take vows. There’s no count of lives lost in this country due to “One should not break a promise even if it would cause death. Was this not the tradition with our people?” I said. “That’s what I call stupidity. The principles are meant for us; not the other way round. They have to be our instruments and not our goals. When they come in the way of fulfilling our goals, what use are they to us? It’s good to cut the ear and throw the gold ear ring into the fire, is it? Because your childhood shoes don’t fit you now, you won’t cut your feet to fit the shoes, would you?” “Our principles are not like the shoes which can be changed, are they?” “Why not? Once upon a time, a woman who threw herself on the pyre of the dead husband was worshipped as a goddess. Now if anyone tries to do that, police will arrest and take her away.” “But theoreticians don’t go about keeping the provisions of law in mind, do “Let them not. But shouldn’t they at least trust their own sense? There’s no theory which can be followed blindly. Assume a teacher orders his disciple to go in the easterly direction. Then the disciple walks straight and doesn’t move an inch this side or that and hits a palm tree. Do you call such stubbornness an ideal or stupidity? How many heads of kings have been chopped off due to such obstinacy? How many queens have been reduced to ashes? How many royal palaces have been pulled down? Our history is replete with instances of such “Uncle, why did they write these minor stories, stories within the story, in “Arey! They were written to deceive the kings; to be served by the disciples and the sudras and to keep women under their thumb. The writers of these stories push the moral ideal to the extreme limits. If the idea is to demonstrate the prowess of a chaste woman, fire would leap out from the hem of her sari. A woman would bring her husband back alive, snatching him from the hands of Lord Yama. Another woman would stop the progress of time by stopping the Sun’s chariot. Our people are absolutely incapable of saying anything without exaggeration. What’s the result of all this? The pictures of our ideals have become cartoons instead of photos.” “Do you mean to say these ideals in our mythology have no value?” “They have, like the value that can be assigned to the rusted sheath and sword in the museum. They are meant for the exhibition; not for use.” “Uncle, why is there so much exaggeration in describing these characters?” “Arey, my child! Exaggeration is in our blood. Right from the Vedic times, whoever we praise, we raise him sky high and call him the sun or the moon. Whoever we blame, we crush him into the abyss. Like it’s said, ‘The hillock on which Hanuman rests his foot sinks into the abyss in a moment.’ We don’t know “You look at this yourself. Our literature is full of exaggeration. When the heroine has large eyes, then it’s said that they are stretched covering the entire space between the ears. If the breasts were full, they are like the gold pitchers. Arey! There’s a limit to everything but none in our case. “Just because we have a mouth to babble, can we say that gallnut is as long “Whatever occurred to them, they wrote. One would lift a mountain. Another would drink the water of the ocean and dry it up. No less. One would hold the earth between his teeth. On would swallow the sun. If one was a chaturanana, another would be a panchanana, the third would be a shadanana and yet another would be a dasanana! If one had three shoulders, another had four and yet another had one thousand. If one fought the war for one thousand years, another would do penance for five thousand years. A third would have intercourse for ten thousand years! In the typhoon of hyperbole, we have buried the truth.” “Do you mean to say that these are all part of fiction?” Uncle said sarcastically, “So long as there are great scholars who write these in our country, who will have the courage to say that? If our great Hanuman arrives, that is enough. He’ll wrap up the soldiers of all countries around his tail. One sage Agastya will do to empty water together with the ships of all the oceans. A Varaha incarnation is enough to lift and throw the earth like a football. One Vamana would do to cover the moon with one foot. Let the people of other countries invent wonderful machines and take care of them! We of course would have our work done through the incarnations. One incarnation would suffice to solve our problems in a jiffy. A mere shout is enough for a mountain of food grains to appear before us. With one arrow, the ocean of milk and curd would “Uncle, you have made the ajasra stream of exaggeration flow!” “Arey! Who do you think I am? Of which race? It’s in the blood. There are other countries to take science forward. There must be someone to bear the burden of the fantasy,” uncle said smilingly. “Okay, son. Take your album and go. I don’t need these ideal persons. I’m a realist.” ***

Satyanarayana Pooja from Khattar Kaka by Hari Mohan Jha

Hari Mohan Jha`s Khatta Kaka English translation by Chandra has Hilarious criticism with original quotations: SATYANARAYANA PUJA Sipping lassi, Vikatakavi Uncle was in an ecstatic state. I went over to him and said, “Uncle, today there’s Satyanarayana Puja at “Really? I hope in the name of satyam, truth, puja of asatyam, untruth, is not going on, son,” Uncle asked. I plugged my ears and said, “Ramarama! Uncle, you shouldn’t be making “You’re the one who is ridiculing god,” Uncle said, smilingly. “Look at the puja method. How sixteen kinds of puja are being performed? “First the god is invited and offered a seat. ‘Please come here. Come and take your seat.’ Then water to wash the feet and face. Offer light refreshments. Water to bathe. New clothes. Offer flowers, garland, sandal, incense sticks, camphor and other aromatic things. Then, many kinds of naivedyam, offering of “Then the god is addressed like this - ‘Tuck in many kinds of sweets such as pindi vantalau, payasam cooked with sugar and pure ghee’. “The lucky ones who would tuck them in, of course, are different. Yet, ludicrously even betel leaf and areca nut are kept in front of the idol. ‘I am offering pan, spiced with camphor and cloves. Accept it with love and make my happiness grow.’ “At the end, they stand up, give arathi, lighted camphor worship, and clang the bell metal announcing people to disperse. ‘Now the puja is over. Now feel satisfied. Now you may go home. Forgive if a mistake has occurred.’ “Arey! What is this farce? And what are the objects of such worship? Worn down tiny little black stones of the size of gulabjam or blue berries!” “Narmadeswaram and Salagram are the symbols of Siva and Vishnu, Uncle said smiling, “Are! Narmadeswara means ‘...’ means ‘god of fun and frolic’. Thanks to puja of Salagram, in this big village, this entertainment has been arranged for so many people. Besides, there’s distribution of laddu of huge quantity. This farce is cheaper than a cinema. There’s no need to purchase a ticket. And at the end, they give prasad too. This is more solemn than the games children play because elders and even the old people participate in the puja. Further, it doesn’t occur to anyone that something funny is going on here. Girls play dressing up a doll as a bride. You play god making him a guest as though Salagram is your daughter’s father-in-law.” “What is that about, Uncle?” “Observe carefully. You do the same things in the puja that are done when the bridegroom arrives with his father. Offer a seat first. Then hand over water. Then follow bath, refreshments, garland of flowers, sandal, and food with the sweetmeats, pan, and cloths and at the end urging forgiveness for mistakes, if any. There’s just one difference. The Salagram is bathed with a little quantity of water. The food offered remains intact. In the name of cloth, even a cotton strand would do. In one hour, the bell is rung off bidding people goodbye. ‘Please go home.’ If the groom’s father is told ‘you may go now’ what would happen? It would be disastrous, wouldn’t it be? But god is not the groom’s father. Samdhee means ‘a person of equal intelligence’. If the god has the same intelligence as the householder, then god alone should protect us.” “But along with the puja, a story also is told, isn’t it?” I asked. “Yes, if the puja is a play, the story, a novel. The spectators are given a treat to the eye and the ear.” “Uncle, there must be some profound meaning in the story?” Uncles picked up Satyanarayana Vratha story and said, “Then listen to the gist of this story which the priest will recite tonight after blowing the conch. Once upon a time, in Naimisa forest, a conference was held for the benefit of the world, the purpose of which was to divine an easy route to remove the misery and pain of mankind with least expense and time and labour. “Suta, who presided over the conference said, ‘Once in Vaikunta, Narada too asked Vishnu the same question - “That means, ‘People on the earth are suffering a lot. Please tell an easy way to help them, Swamy’. “Then the most munificent god revealed this - “That means, people would be rid of all their sufferings if they perform Satyanarayan puja traditionally’. “That’s not all. The god also told the method of the puja and the account of “That means ‘Prepare Prasad with bananas, ghee, milk, sugar, wheat flour. If wheat flour is not available, rice flour will do. And if there’s no sugar, use jaggery.’ God is kind. So kind that he didn’t forget to tell the substitutes if wheat flour and sugar are not available. “After spending a life time, Bhagawan Buddha found ashtanga marga, the eight fold path, as a relief for the sufferings. That must be reckoned as a path strewn with difficulties compared to Satyanarayana Puja which solved the problem in a trice and showed mishtannna path which is so easy- ‘Everyone has to take prasad with love. There must be programmes of music and dance. Food must be served to the friends and relatives along with the ‘If it’s done like this, man would be rid of all troubles and would attain “There cannot be an easier method than this,” Uncle said. Uncle said, “Four proofs have been given in reply this ‘but’- to silence the critics. These strengthen the belief in the mind of the devotees. And they would be inspired to perform the puja.” Uncle leafed through the pages of the story book and said, “The first story is about a poor Brahmin of Kasi. God is kindness personified. He saw the Brahmin “Satyananarayana, who is another form of Vishnu, would fulfil all desires. So you worship him. ‘Perform his vrata, which is par excellence.’ “That day itself, the Brahmin got lot of money. He performed the puja. When he found puja yielding profit, he began to perform puja every month. ‘He was rid of all sorrow, sins and possessed every single means of pleasure. Finally, he attained salvation too which was difficult even for the yogis Finding that I was looking at Uncle in disbelief, he resumed. “In Kasi, there’s no count of Brahmin beggars. Why then did the god bestow his kind benevolence on only that Brahmin? And what did he advise him? Not to revolt but to perform his puja. Let that pass. How come there are hordes of beggars there despite knowing very well the path to get rid of penury? Why can’t those miserable people have the sense to know that they should borrow if need be and collect ghee, sugar, and other ingredients for performing puja once? They would surely have mouthful of sugar, ghee everyday thereafter, wouldn’t they?” “Uncle, are these stories all of the same kind?” “Of course, they are. I call this propaganda. Listen to this. A woodcutter performed puja. Then the wood he sold fetched twice as much! “Later on because of the puja, he acquired wealth, son, heaven, et al. Likewise, Angadhwaja, a king also performed the puja. He also got everything. ‘Because of the power of the puja, he acquired wealth and a son. He enjoyed all the pleasures of this world and left for Satya Lok.’ “Hey! What’s all this but publicity? It’s as though a broker or an insurance “They all sound like fairly tales meant for the kids, don’t they?” I said. “Indeed. There’s one story which is captivating though. That story to an extent reveals the nature of your Satyanarayana Swamy,” Uncle said. “Is it the story of Leelavathi-Kalavathi?” I asked. “Yes. You might have heard it.” I piped up. “I haven’t. In any case, it’ll be great fun to hear it from you.” “Then, listen to it. A merchant performed puja. Then, “His wife conceived. Due to Satyanarayana’s grace, a beautiful girl was born. She was named ‘Kalavathi’. The merchant vowed that he would again perform puja at her marriage time. But unfortunately, the poor fellow forgot about it. The god was angry and cursed him – “You play games with me, do you? You vowed to perform the puja and didn’t. Look at what I can do. Let untold sufferings be yours,” he cursed. “Listen to the next part of the story. The merchant went with his son-in-law over to another kingdom for business. There was a theft in the palace of that king, Chandraketu. As ordained by god, the thieves left the booty at where the merchant and his son-in-law were lodged. The soldiers recovered the booty and arrested the two. The king relieved them of all their money and sent them to the prison. They both sobbed and pleaded, but, ‘No one cared to hear them due to the maya of Satyanarayana.’” “Such a thing would cast aspersion on the character and nature of God, “How does it matter if the god is besmirched so long as the bags of the disciples are filled with prasad? What else is needed? If the god is not depicted like this, would people be afraid of god? And if they are not scared, why would they offer puja ingredients? Don’t take Satyanarayana for an ordinary god. He’s no less than the police inspector. Cry or laugh, but you must pay up what is due to him. Otherwise, he’ll foist a case on you, commit you to the jail and inflict pain “How can there be affection for such a god?” “Hey, where there’s no fear, there can’t be affection. Ordinary people perform puja more out of fear than affection. If they are convinced that nothing will come or go because of Salagram, then they will take it straight to the Salagram River and throw it away. Things in the world don’t work on account of kindness and affection. That’s why Satyanarayana is converted into an embodiment of revenge.” “How did the merchant and his son-in-law come out of it all?” I asked. “That part is even more interesting. The mother and daughter who stayed at home came to know that their husbands were languishing in the prison. One night, Kalawathi returned home late. ‘Where were you until so late in night?’ asked the mother-in-law. Kalawathi replied that she was delayed by Satyanarayana puja. The moment she heard this, she remembered her vow. Without a moment’s delay, she performed the puja and prayed to god - ‘Forgive the crime of my husband and my son-in-law.’ “The god was satisfied and appeared in king Chandraketu’s dream and said ‘Return the money to the merchants and let them go. Else, I’ll destroy your kingdom, your wife and children and the rest.’ “Hey, how could he be a god? He could pass off for an evil Saniswara though. He would think nothing short of complete ruination of anyone who crossed his path. What would poor Chandraketu do? He paid the merchants two times their money and said, ‘O! Revered souls, now do me the favour of returning to your homes. Let me live in peace.’ “Uncle, what was the mistake of Chandraketu that god should be so angry “He must have suddenly remembered that Kalavati’s youth was withering away and that her husband must have been imprisoned by the evil king. It didn’t occur to him that all this happened due to his maya. Hey, son! How much time does it take the mighty and the chameleon to change colours?” Uncle smiled and continued. “There was this Ugradeva Sastry. One day he rushed to his wife to throttle her just because there was a slight delay in serving food to him. But when she came opposite him with hot, hot puris, he was immensely pleased and adorned her neck with a necklace. Next day, there was excess salt in pappu. He instantly snatched the necklace from her. To me, this god is no better than Ugradeva Sastry. ‘Display anger for one moment and joy, the next.’ In anger he got the merchant arrested and got him released being pleased with his wife Kalawati. Not like a god but like a dictatorial feudal lord.” Uncle took a little snuff and resumed. “The story has not ended yet. When the merchant got his cargo loaded on the ship and was returning, god appeared before him in the form of a mendicant and asked him, ‘What is there in the ship?’ The merchant grew suspicious. He didn’t know who he was. Why was he asking about the cargo? He wondered and wanted to get rid of him by saying something. ‘The cargo in the ship is loaded with hay and the like,’ he said. God waited for an opportunity like this, didn’t he? He added a sentence to what the merchant said. ‘...’ ‘May your words come true!’ Then what? The entire cargo turned into hay. The merchant was inconsolable. God watched all this, merrily as though saying, ‘This is my power. Scoundrel, you wanted to deceive me, didn’t you? Now enjoy the punishment.’ “Look at this. Why did he go there in disguise, concealing his true identity? What was this if not deception? And how the merchant not telling the truth to a stranger in self defence can be called deception! Is this what god should do? Is this god’s justice? All right. The merchant promised – ‘Be kind to me. From now on I’ll worship you to the fullest extent.’ “Then god was pleased and returned the goods to him. This god proved himself to a notch above the sales tax officer.” “So, anyhow he returned home safely, didn’t he?” I asked. “Not so soon! The story is not over yet! When Kalawathi received the news at home, she ran towards the river to meet her husband. In her haste, she forgot to “What else? God again turned a police inspector. ‘He was overcome with anger and drowned her husband, his wealth and the goods in the river. Kalawathi swooned and fell down. Her parents began to cry aloud. Then once again god heckled and said, ‘O! You have come running to meet your husband, leaving my prasad behind, to insult me, haven’t you? Now hear this. Until you go and eat prasad, your husband would stay drowned in the river like this.’ What choice did Kalawati have? She ran home, ate prasad, and returned after satisfying the god’s whim.” Uncle cut the nuts and said, “Tell me this. Why should god be so envious of a young woman who was stressed out and who went in haste to meet her long lost husband? Such competitive attitude is seen among the villains in cinemas. Why in god? Actually he should be happy that Kalawati worshipped her husband more than the god. But he turned a competitor. Finally Kalawathi went to Satya Lok where that god is stationed. I don’t know how she put up with him there. As for me, I’m terrified to hear the name Satyanarayana.” “Uncle, why are there four stories in Satyanarayana puja where one would “It’s with a view to force people of all classes to perform the puja that a representative has been taken from each of the four varnas - Brahmin, Kshatriya, Vaisya, Sudra. A poor Brahmin became rich. A king got a son. A Vysya got a daughter. A woodcutter got plenty of profit. This is the gist of all these stories. Such things happen routinely day and night all around us, puja or no puja. When Lilawati conceives, what’s so special about that incident? What puja has this Abdul Miyan performed that he has a dozen children? And Chowdary’s wife hasn’t conceived even though she has got the story recited every month. Would monthly menstrual activity cease because of monthly puja? Poor Sharma! He has been blowing the conch all his life. He couldn’t even have a proper roof over his house. On the other hand, thanks to black marketing, Varala Setty has built a three- storied house. Why hasn’t your Satyanarayana seized all his money as “Do you mean that there is no satyam, truth, in Satyanarayana story?” “Think for a while. From start to the finish, Satyanarayana appears like one who is greedy, self-centred, and villainous. He has been depicted as worse than a human being. In fact, he has been reduced to the status of a monkey, which often threatens and flicks off the fruit and later returns it merrily. How could devotion and not disgust be generated about such a god?” I said, “But it has been said that the result of puja would be indeed great, Uncle replied, “True. ‘...’ (One who performs puja will acquire wealth. He’ll win everywhere.) What I ask is very simple. If both the contestants perform puja, who would win? The story says that the desire of the person who performs “Whether the desire of the householder who performs the puja will be fulfilled or not is not known but the priest’s desire will be certainly fulfilled forthwith. Because the scholar who wrote this story didn’t forget to write this- ‘After hearing this story till the end, everyone must make an offering to the “If the Brahmin is not given his due, even Brahma would turn against you.” “Do you mean to say that the story has been created only to fleece the householders of their money and get prasad?” “What else? ‘If you allow your ear to be pierced, you’ll get jaggery’ is how the children are enticed. Similarly, the householder is enticed. ‘Distribution of jaggery and banana mixed in milk will beget a son.’ The list is long. Then what? Innocent people will clamour to do this, much like the children falling for a fake watch sold for ten paise. How can anyone be saved from falling prey to fake things? Even if they are told the truth, would they care? Likewise, what can be said of people who fill a pot with milk and mix banana and jaggery in that and expect a son or a daughter or heaven in return? The country is known for herd mentality. That’s why in this country adulterers grow wealthy while the adherents of the truth live in utter poverty.” “Uncle, what is the solution?” Uncle said in a tone of finality, “If possible, worship the real Satyadeva. Wherever untruth, injustice, deceit, gambling, corruption, black marketing, conspiracy to defeat the truth exist, go there and blow the conch of truth. Awaken the people. Lead the society towards the truth. That’s the true satyavratha. That’s worship of satya. If that kind of worship begins, then heaven will descend on the earth. Then nothing would be unavailable. (When the truth is worshipped, there’s nothing in the world which cannot ***

Ramayana by Prof Hari Mohan Jha

Harimohan Jha wrote hilarious critique of epics, in Hindi which was translated into Telugu by J L Reddi and into English by Chandrahas. Here one chapter on Ramayana. All original sources were quoted by the author. RAMAYANA Uncle was cleaning kismis (dried grapes) for munching during Ramnavami celebrations. “Uncle, would you like to come for Rama’s story recital tonight in the public ground?” I asked. “Which part?” “Sita’s vanavas, banishment to the forest.” “Then, no. I won’t go.” “Why uncle? Rama, the righteous, the noblest among the human beings, was personification of unparalleled virtues, wasn’t he?” “He was, surely! How to condemn a weak woman to a life of grief? How to banish a wife away from home? Cut the nose of a woman? In a way, his life of valour began by making a woman cry and ended too similarly,” Uncle said. “Uncle, God took birth as man and went through all those trials, didn’t “Could he have not done those things without being so harsh? In truth, you can’t really blame him alone for those deeds. His misfortune was that at the very beginning of his life he had a teacher like Viswamitra who started his instruction to Rama with the killing of Tataka. Otherwise, would Rama’s first arrow have been aimed at a woman? Viswamitra’s were all unusual ways. He wanted to prove that his name indicated friendliness. So, the rules of grammar had to be changed to accommodate that. In order to scale up from Rajarshi to Brahmarshi, he changed the caste rules. In competing with Vasishta, he dumped morality and good conduct in the river Karmanasa. A man such as him, what education could he impart to Rama? How could he convey to others what he himself did not possess?” Uncle said. “Uncle, Rama was embodiment of justice. He did not hesitate to banish his wife to the forest in the cause of justice, didn’t he?” “No, son. The contrary was true. In fact, it was a habit with his dynasty. His father banished him to the forest. Rama did the same to his wife. You said justice, didn’t you? Do you mean that it’s justice to hang someone just because someone said something? If he was interested in justice, he should have summoned both the parties to the royal court and should have weighed the evidence of either side dispassionately. He didn’t do that. Quietly, he sent away Sita to the forest. What justice was this? What ideal was this? Sita, the queen, didn’t even have the rights of a commoner!” “But Rama had to demonstrate the ideal of bowing to the people’s wish...” “That hardly was the case. People of Ayodhya never wanted Sita to be banished from the kingdom. That’s why she had to be taken out in the chariot at the dead of night. And Lakshmana was ever ready. He was ready with the sword to cut Surpanaka’s nose! Ready with the chariot to take Sita to the forest! “Uncle! He went to the forest in order to fulfil his father’s promise.” “Try some logic. What is exile? Living in many forests or in one forest? He didn’t follow vanavas in the sense of the former. If it were in the latter sense, he should have lived in a forest close to Ayodhya or lived in Chitrakoot for fourteen years. That would have sufficed to comply with his father’s word. Where was the need for him to roam about thousands of miles? That too by foot, taking along the dainty Sita with him! When Gautama, the legal scholar of Mithila, posed this very question to him, Rama had no answer. On top of it, he cursed, ‘Those who study Gautama’s logic would be born a jackal.’ What response was this? Did logical debate mean howling like a jackal? If Rama had studied the law of the land of Mithila, he wouldn’t have been so unjust.” Cutting the coconut kernel into pieces, Uncle resumed his talk. “Assuming that the people unanimously demanded banishment of Sita, what should Rama have done? He knew that his consort was blemishless and had come out of the ordeal by fire unscathed. Then how did it matter what the world said? He should have stood firm. If he suspected that the people would revolt, he ought to have enthroned Bharatha and retired to the forest with his wife. That would have been recognised as an ideal. Rama as a king understood the nature of the kingdom but not the love of his wife. Queen Sita, in deference to her duty as a wife, trifled the kingdom. But Rama the king could not forsake the throne in obedience to his duty as a husband. An English king (Edward the Eighth) gave up the throne in order to marry a woman (Simpson) he loved. Rama could not measure up to that English king.” “Uncle! You seem to be hurt by Sita’s banishment to the forest.” “Why not? Sita’s whole life was one of grief. She hardly had any good time. First, she roamed about the forests with her husband. Then when she was settling down to live in the palace, she was bundled out. When he was in the forests, he cried for her all over. He got a bridge built across the ocean. But after returning from Lanka, Sita could not stay at home. That’s why people of Mithila say that their girls should not be given in marriage to those who live in the west.” There were tears in Uncle’s eyes. He was upset. “Such neglect for a queen like Sita? In thought, word and deed she was devoted to Rama. She followed his footsteps. She walked about the dangerous forests with him. She jumped into the leaping fire to appease him. And before jumping into the fire, she said, ‘If in thought, word and deed I always worshipped Rama, O! Lord of Fire, you know my purity. For my sake become cool like sandal.’ It happened like that only. The leaping flames turned cool like the sandal. “She came out shining like pure gold. Yet, against such a chaste woman, how cruelly did he behave? She was thrown out when she was pregnant for eight months. We must applaud such cruelty! Sita, being born in Mithila, was not the one to be easily irritated. That’s why she tolerated all this. If she were from any other area, she would have shown her might. Hey, tell me this. If the idea was to break their relationship, he could have sent her to her father’s place. Couldn’t he? Instead, why did he pack her off to such a dense forest? She entered the nether world because she had no hope of justice here. She was consumed by the same earth from which she was born. Should the life of a wife, who was by all means most virtuous, end like this? No wonder, the earth cracked up and took her in.” I tried to mollify Uncle. “The washerman was the reason for all this.” Uncle saw red. “Tell me this. If a washerman falls off the donkey, I wouldn’t throw your aunt out of our home, would I? Rama actually spent most of his time in the company of creatures such as Nishad, Kevat, Bhillini, eagle, bear, monkey and the like, didn’t he? Because of a foolish maid servant’s words, a father banished his son to the forest. And this man sent his wife away to live in the forest because of the prattle of a mindless washerman. In their court, the petty held sway – Mandhara at home and Durmukah, Rama’s spy, outside.” “Uncle, it was done to uphold morality...” “Not morality. Say, immorality. If morality was the ideal, why did he shoot Vali hiding behind the tree? He should have engaged him in a face to face battle and killed him. What happened to the vow that ‘Men of Raghu dynasty do not fear Lord Yama also’? That’s why Vali sarcastically said, ‘Mahatma! You are born to protect dharma, righteousness, but you have killed me like a vyadha, a hunter (treacherously).’ “If the idea was to punish Vali for his misdeed of taking Sugriva’s wife, Tara, then why did he not kill Sugriva who also was guilty of the same offence? “But Rama was the noblest of all the human beings and he upheld morality...” “You say so but I consider he was quite hasty. Why, like a child, did he run after the golden stag? Pining for Sita, why did he cry roaming about in the forest? Sugriva was a friend and yet he was ready to rain arrows on him for the delay in finding Sita. He strung the bow against Samudra too in haste. When Lakshmana was felled in the battle field, he cried piteously. Does it behove the brave to lose their equanimity like this?” Uncle began to shell the badam and said, “After a careful consideration, it appears to me that Rama was not at fault. Actually, his father Dasaratha was a hasty man too. He went out hunting. He heard a sound on the river bank. And immediately he drew the bow, placed the arrow on the string and released it pulling it to the ear in the direction whence the sound came. It didn’t occur to him that he could be shooting a man. Poor Sravanakumar was killed and his blind father died of heartbreak. And, as a result, Dasaratha too had to die of the pangs of separation from his own son. Look at this. When he had two queens, for what fun did he think of marrying another in ripe old age? ‘For an old man, a young wife is dearer than his own life.’ He was so smitten of Kaikeyi that even when he went to war, he made her sit beside him in the chariot. What kind of a chariot was it! It broke just at the nick of time! His name was Dasaratha but he didn’t have a single rath (chariot) which was useful. Otherwise, where was the need for Kaikeyi to put her wrist in the wheel and hold the chariot from crumbling? Her wrist indeed was strong! It didn’t snap even when it was put in the axle. Her heart too was no less. Because of her prowess, the old king’s life was somehow saved. Then without a second thought, he promised her that he would give whatever she wished. He didn’t have the sense to think what he would do if she wanted him to get her a star in the sky. Afterwards, when she asked for Rama’s banishment, he was mightily upset. By the way, it must be said that Kaikeyi was quite reasonable. If she were to ask him to give his heart, what would the righteous Dasaratha have done? This is not all. Having given the word, what made him beat his chest? Anyway, after fourteen years, his son would have ruled the kingdom again, wouldn’t he? He should have waited patiently until then. If his love for the son was so overwhelming, he too should have joined and gone along with Rama to the forest. He didn’t do any of that. ‘Haa Rama, haa Rama’ he wailed and died. Would a Kshatriya’s heart be ever so weak?” Uncle wouldn’t leave a job half done. Now he was after Dasaratha, I thought and said, “Uncle! Everyone learns lessons from the characters in Ramayana...” “I too will learn lessons: That I shouldn’t release the arrow without seeing the object; shouldn’t give a boon without thinking and shouldn’t beat the chest in despair after promising.” “Uncle! You are only looking at the frailties.” “Well, show me the virtues.” “King Dasaratha was a man of truth...” “True. So truthful that he tried to fool Sravanakumar’s blind father by impersonating that he was Sravanakumar!” “Rama was such a devout son...” “Yes. He didn’t come even after he heard the news of his father’s death. Despite being the eldest son, he didn’t perform the last rites and instead moved down southward undeterred.” “Lakshmana was such dedicated brother...” “True. He aimed the arrow at one brother (Bharatha) for the sake of another (Rama).” “Bharatha sacrificed...” “Bharatha didn’t bother to know what happened to his brother for fourteen years. He didn’t have the leisure in the capital in order to go and find out in the forest, did he? If only he had taken out the army, would Rama have had to seek the help of the monkeys?” “Hanuman was devout...” “Yes. He left the first master, Sugriva, and devoted himself to the service of Rama.” “Vibhishana, such an ideal...’ “Yes. He has become the reason for the adage, ‘The house spy would be the cause of Lanka’s destruction’. Pray god that the country should be saved of such Vibhishanas.” “You mean to say there is not a single ideal character in Ramayana?” “Why not? In the whole of Ramayana, I can think of only one ideal character.” “Who?” Uncle smiled. “Ravana,” he said. “Uncle! You always joke.” “No joke. Cite one blemish of Ravana.” “You’re great uncle! Everyone sees so many faults in Ravana but you seem to find not a single flaw in him, do you?” “Come on. Out with it.” “He seized Sita by force and took her away...” “That was done to teach your virtuous, purushotthama, that the nose of a sister of another ought not to be cut; that while living in an alien land you shouldn’t court enmity with others; that you shouldn’t run after mirages and that you shouldn’t insult any woman. Look at this! Ravana took Sita to Lanka but he didn’t humiliate her. He didn’t take her to his palace. He put her in Asoka Park. Everybody might call him a rakshasa, demon, but such decent behaviour is seldom seen among the human beings.” “Uncle! You always speak contrary to what people believe. You’re arguing in support of one who committed such a heinous crime and blame the ocean of kindness that’s Sitapati...” “Say stone-hearted Sitapati. What happened to the princess of Vaidehi, who left for Ayodhya after marriage? She didn’t have the fortune of returning to her parents’ home. That’s why we keep off people of the west, don’t we?” “Uncle! You’re biased against the relatives of Sita from her husband’s side. If you saw Rama, you would at least put your palms together in salutation, wouldn’t you?” “How would I do that? I’m a Brahmin and he, a Kshatriya. I, of course, would have blessed him, “May you be filled with good thoughts. If hereafter people talk of Ramarajya, don’t give them scope to say, ‘Chee! Chee! Rama Rama’. I’d advise him to employ a Brahmin like me as his minister.” “But Uncle, Ramarajya means an ideal state, doesn’t it?” “True, Tulsidas wrote, ‘There are no wretched, poor, sorrowful persons in Ramarajya.’ But I would have added, ‘Except for poor Sita who was the most unfortunate.’ If our village administration is run on the lines of Ramarajya, we can’t say how many Sitas would be consumed by the earth.” “Uncle! Since you celebrate Sriramanavami you must have devotion in your mind.” “Yes, but that’s for Sita. But for Sita, Rama would have been acclaimed only as ‘Raghupati Raghava Rajaram’. He wouldn’t have been called ‘Patita pavana Sitaram’. Every Kshatriya king would routinely do whatever Rama did. Just in respect of one matter, he was an exception. He did not take another wife. He got a gold statue of Janaki made and spent the rest of his life looking at it. For this reason, I would forgive him of all his misdeeds. Rama’s greatness was due to Sita. That’s why, first Sita and then Rama. Tulsidas said, ‘I would raise my hands, put my palms together hands and pray assuming that the entire creation is pervaded by Sita and Rama.’ Valmiki also says, ‘Pray Sita and her husband.’” “Uncle. You are so devoted to Sita. Why then do you criticise Rama? You don’t spare his father too.” Uncle broke into a smile and said, “Arey, don’t you understand this small little thing? I’m from her mother’s place. The criticism of the barber from the mother-in-law’s place also is also acceptable. And I’m a Brahmin. Could anyone else venture to talk like me? People of Mithila would always pour scorn on the people of Ayodhya. Even god can’t make us shut up.”